Songs I ACTUALLY Play on Repeat #1: Sanctuary, by Joji
Recently, I was in a relationship where my partner casually dished on me, “Michelle listens to same 10 songs.”
For the record, those 10 songs change every once in a while, and I cycle through them, sort of like a first in first out queue, for all you nerds out there. ;)
Even more recently, I met someone who rejuvenated my pride in loving fiercely and appreciating who I was — exactly the way I am.
So here it is, a few songs I actually listen to on repeat, and maybe why.
The first one is…
Sanctuary by Joji. The first time I read this song, I was wearing a gray argyle sweater from Paris that my grandpa gave me because he said I looked cold, and the sweater I was wearing was ugly. I was wearing my men’s pleated blue jeans too, also from my grandpa, and I was wearing my tall Dr.Marten boots that made me feel like a bad b. I was wearing my mother’s brown plaid coat, something my mentor, another fashionable coworker, and a few others too! at work loved and complimented me on that day. I was on the way to meet L. Let’s just say that L could never actually be the “one”, but boy, did I wish he was. I don’t know if L came first, or if the song, but I believe they came at just around the same time.
If you’ve been waiting, for falling in love.. baby, don’t have to wait on me. Damn it. I have been waiting! Cus I’ve been aiming forever to love, but an angel ain’t what I need. Me definitely angel, me definitely wasn’t what he needed.
I still listen to the song for a few reasons. Perhaps it’s feeling free, the ability to love but not expect anything from the other — and finding comfort in that. I used to be really uncomfortable meeting people I couldn’t be with — in fact, I have a theory that all of my risky business in love has all been because a really long time ago, I wanted to be with someone I couldn’t, and it broke me.
Anyway, really happy for the growth that has happened to get me to this point. If you asked me best friends, I swear, my love life is so layered and complex that they know the details more than I do. I joked with them the other day, “Ya’ll must be so exhausted!!!” We laughed a lot after that, because that’s just been such a quintessential part of my being — chasing after love, and having love find me.
So you might be wondering why am I still droning on about this song that reminds me about this person that I met and fell in short love with but couldn’t pursue? In short, I don’t actually think it’s about him. It reminded me of a time when I was truly myself — truly happy being single, learning, hurting from the past, shedding it as much as I could, but obviously, by the looks of it, I haven’t really changed in ruminating about the past. All I remember is strolling through Dolores in the big boots, my tech backpack that gave it away that I was a “coder” (lol), and blasting this song on the way to my date. I even gave him a listen at a point, and although he didn’t feel anywhere near as attached to it, I was glad that I added just a little more sentiment to the song by letting him listen to it. Even though he didn’t share the same excitement, it’s interesting to see how my romantic self really just needed him to listen to it just once.
Independence, but still looking for love, pining, but accepting the circumstances, knowing my personality, but not letting it consume me, has been a great time. Sanctuary represents all of that for me.
And so, J, that’s why it’s one of the songs I listen to again and again throughout my life. :)
Lyrics provided by Genius.
[Verse 1]
Go ahead and park after dark
Fallen star, I’m your one call away
Motel halls, neon walls
When night falls, I am your escape
[Pre-Chorus]
When you lay alone, I ache
Something I wanted to feel
[Chorus]
If you’ve been waitin’ for fallin’ in love
Babe, you don’t have to wait on me
’Cause I’ve been aimin’ for Heaven above
But an angel ain’t what I need
[Verse 2]
Not anyone, you’re the one
More than fun, you’re the sanctuary
’Cause what you want is what I want
Sincerity
[Pre-Chorus]
Souls that dream alone lie awake
I’ll give you somethin’ so real
[Chorus]
If you’ve been waitin’ for fallin’ in love
Babe, you don’t have to wait on me
’Cause I’ve been aimin’ for Heaven above
But an angel ain’t what I need
[Bridge]
Hold me oh so close
’Cause you never know
Just how long our lives will be
[Chorus]
If you’ve been waitin’ for fallin’ in love
Babe, you don’t have to wait on me
’Cause I’ve been aimin’ for Heaven above
But an angel ain’t what I need
